Bumbling, hair tugging and lectern thumping all
feature in Johnson’s greatest hits show
 |
| ‘This was the golden ticket. A message of hope for the hopeless.’ Photograph: James McCauley/Rex/Shutterstock |
Say what you like
about Boris Johnson, he delivers a second-rate speech better than most other
second-rate politicians, many of whom have been on show at the Tory party
conference in Birmingham this week. But the bottom line is that Boris is
essentially still second rate. A man who imagines himself to be a latter day Winston
Churchill, but is nothing more than an ersatz Donald Trump with little to offer
other than his own narcissism masquerading as cheap populism.
Yet
in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, and Johnson is what passes
for stardust in the Brexit circles of the Tory party. A faint
flicker, raging against the dying of the light, as he struggles to avoid being
sucked into the black hole. And for his one scheduled appearance at a fringe
event, hundreds of delegates were queueing outside the 1,500-seater hall some
two hours before he was due on stage. This was the golden ticket. A message of
hope for the hopeless.
Shortly
before the start, the usual VIP suspects began to fill the front row. David
Davis, Steve Baker, Priti Patel, Owen Paterson, Andrea Jenkyns, John Redwood
and Andrew Bridgen. The same crew that had been at almost every “Chuck Chequers” event. None of whom most sane people would trust anywhere near government. The scene was set. This wasn’t going to be a
serious speech so much as an act of communion for the already converted. A
greatest hits rally at which Boris would deliver his own Boris tribute act.
Johnson
bumbled on to stage. Bumbling was what people expected of him – his trademark
trope – and he didn’t want to disappoint. The audience rose to give him their
first standing ovation and he relaxed a little. He still had the magic. “It’s
great bumble bumble to be bumble bumble in Birmingham bumble bumble,” he
bumbled, before insisting that he was standing before everyone “with all
humility”. Always good to get the first lie in early. Boris has never done
humble in his life.
'Chuck Chequers': Boris Johnson
attacks Theresa May's Brexit plan – video
After
that he was straight on to autopilot. A lot more bumble bumbling, a bit of hair
tugging and the occasional thump of the lectern to suggest he actually cared
about what he was saying. Pretty much the same speech he had given the time
before and the time before that. The same feeble gags
about Toblerones and bus shelters that never failed to get a few desultory
laughs from people starved of genuine humour. The same sob story about how he
had once felt sorry for a couple in a Wolverhampton council house. The same
lies about things the EU had never done and what the Labour party planned to
do. Always the lies.
Bumble
bumble. Loud whoops from the audience. Bumble bumble. The same broken record of
why Boris thought that Boris would make a great prime minister and couldn’t
believe that the whole world didn’t agree with Boris. He ran through a totally
uncosted housing programme; he did a drive-by shooting of Michael Gove; he
boasted of his record as foreign secretary. That last bit didn’t take long.
Then
Boris turned his attention to Theresa May and Brexit. Chequers was against the
law – it wasn’t, but what the hell? – and Britain was being cheated. What was
needed was someone like Boris who would bumble bumble, make Latin references,
ruffle his hair and say that Britain could be great again if only we believed
enough. Someone who lacked even the basic level of self-awareness to realise he
had broken the system and had no real idea how to fix it. Someone whose only
visible plan was to say sod off to the EU and that if it was very lucky we
would let it trade with us again sometime in the future.
Same
old, same old. A vision of the future in which Boris was prime minister and the
country was condemned to a seventh circle of hell in which the same speech, the
same jokes, the same Latin, would be played on a loop indefinitely. Then a rare
moment of clarity. Pathos even. Boris looked down at the front row and saw just
a handful of the same hopeful faces. He might have the numbers to stop
Chequers, but he was way short of what he would need to become prime minister.
His speech bumble bumble tailed off into silence. As so often, he had made a
splash. But the waters would soon close over.
Tue 2 Oct
2018 18.11 BSTLast modified on Tue 2 Oct 2018 21.05 BST
